How I’ll Rate Books (Updated 03/21/2026)

So, I have various rating systems that I’ll be implementing:

🥤 Emotional Impact – How much did this book make you FEEL?:

•Water – nothing
•Sparkling Water – faint hint
•La Croix – emotional whisper
•Diet Coke – satisfying
•Coca-Cola – hits hard
•Rum & Coke – intense + fun
•Rum – very intense
•Distilled Spirits – emotionally wrecked
•Rubbing Alcohol – TOO MUCH

🌶️ Spice Level – How hot it gets on the page:

•Air – none, nada, nuthin’
•Salt – innocent (cute smoochies)
•Pepper – kissing/tension (sweet romances)
•Banana Pepper – heated makeouts (still mostly sweet but reaching PG status)
•Jalapeño – steamy fade-to-black (fans face, PG-13)
•Habanero – explicit (touching intimately – heavy petting, moans, tis sensual etc, on page, glance around and hope no one sees your face is blushing)
•Ghost Pepper – VERY explicit (sex on page, but, like, it’s not the whole point of the book, ya know? Hide what you’re reading in public, or don’t, be kinky, I guess)
•Venus – unreal hot (explicit sex on page, it’s often, it’s the point of the book. It’s erotica. No hiding it, it is what it is, we’re all adults here, right?)
•The Sun – scorched earth (Okay, this is getting ridiculous – straight up porn)

👻 Horror / Scare Factor Scale – How badly did it mess you up?:

•Cozy Blanket – not scary at all
•Creepy Vibes – a little uneasy
•Goosebumps – some solid moments
•Check the Locks – tense
•Sleep With Lights On – scary
•NNNNOPE! – very scary
•Trauma – emotionally & mentally scarred

⏳ Suspense / Thriller Scale – How much did it keep you hooked?:

•Snooze Button – Low urgency. Easy to pause. Stakes feel mild or distant.
•Raised Eyebrow – Something interesting is happening. Mild curiosity engaged.
•Page Turner – Momentum is steady. I’m invested and reading “just one more.”
•Okay, This Needs Two Hands to Hold – I can’t multitask. Focus required. Tension is real.
•I Put Down My Edamame for This – Snack abandoned. Fully locked in. Heart rate slightly elevated.
•Checked Wikipedia Because My Anxiety Needed Soothing – I had to know what happens. Suspense was almost too effective.

😂 Humor Scale – How funny it actually was:

•Crickets – Attempted humor. No emotional response.
•Nose Exhale – Brief acknowledgment. Slight amusement.
•Small Chuckle – Genuine but contained laugh.
•Actual Laugh – Audible reaction. Consistent humor landing.
•Laughing Out Loud – I startled myself. Possibly reread the line.
•My Husband Checked on Me to Make Sure I Wasn’t Dying – Uncontrolled laughter. Repeated disruption of reading.

💔 Angst / Emotional Damage: How emotionally wrecked was I?:
•Fine – Emotionally stable. Stakes present but manageable.
•A Little Sad – Some heart tugging. Lingering softness.
•Ouch – Emotional punch. Felt it in my chest.
•Why Would You Do That? – Active distress. Author clearly chose violence.
•I Need a Hug – Deep emotional impact. Recovery time required.
•Author Is a Menace – Devastation achieved. I will never fully recover.

🍟Addictability – I wanna read more like this specifically – As told in a system of French Fries:
•Burger King – forgettable
•Dairy Queen – meh
•Wendy’s – I can haz fry dipped in frosty? More memorable
•McDonald’s – crappy…so gross, delicious when made right (occasionally), but limp and overly salty and nasty…yet…I want more
•Arby’s – mostly forgettable French fries, but an accidental curly (HIMYM – IYKYK)
•Arby’s Reverse – Curly Fries and one betrayer!
•Five Guys – dump load that are double fried to taste like a baked potatoe on the inside and cronchy on the outside!
•Le Homemade Gourmet French Fries Pinky Up Eating with Aioli Fancy – Oo la la! Oui oui!

🧀 The Cheese Cringe Scale – How bad is the second hand embarrassment?:
•Muenster – Elite Cheese. Cheesy in a self-aware, charming way. Leans into tropes with confidence. I’m smiling, not squinting. “Yes, this is dramatic. Yes, I love it.”
•Cheese Curds – Fun, but don’t overdo it. Delicious in moderation. A few eye-roll moments, but still enjoyable.
“Okay, that was a bit much…but I’m still here.”
•Swiss Cheese – Good melted. Risky raw. Works when blended into plot and character. Starts to show holes if it’s overexposed. “I see what you’re doing. Just…tighten it up.”
•Mac & Cheese Powder – Only works when mixed in properly. On its own? Overwhelming. Needs context and emotional buildup. “Why is this happening without setup?”
•Cheese Whiz – Aggressively artificial. Feels forced. Not earned. Not subtle. “Are we serious right now?”
•Maggot Cheese –  Immediate recoil. Actually puking. Painful secondhand embarrassment. Unintentional cringe. I am physically uncomfortable. “I cannot defend this.”

🩸Gore Scale – How bloody is this?:

•Healthy – No visible gore.
•Bruise – Physical pain, no blood.
•Cut – Blood visible, brief description.
•Shot in the Side – Significant bleeding, survival uncertain.
•Head Wound – High lethality, sustained gore description.
•’Tis a Flesh Wound – Active spurting, graphic, sensory-heavy.
•Autopsy – Internal organs described.
•Obliteration – Body destruction beyond recognition.

🍫 The Chocolate Scale – How Dark Is This Book?:
•White Chocolate – Technically chocolate-adjacent. This is light. Cozy. Low emotional threat.
•Milk Chocolate – Some tension. Some stakes. Still comforting.
•Semi-Sweet – We’re getting into it. There are consequences.
•70% Dark Chocolate – Heavy themes. Moral murk. Emotional weight.
•85% Dark Chocolate – This is bleak. Trauma is present. Hope is…complicated.
•Unsweetened Baker’s Chocolate – No sugar. No mercy. Existential dread.
•Raw Cacao Nibs – Chew carefully. This will hurt.

🥧Pie Scale – Can I read this in one sitting?:

•Apple – I’ll sniff, it smells nice, but I’mma pass. Probably not tonight.
•Caramel Apple Crumble á la mode – I’ll have a slice! Why thank you! Just one, please. One chapter is all.
•Pumpkin – oh lort! It’s Thanksgiving, and I’ll have a slice or two…chapters that is!
•Razzleberry á la mode – mama gimme, gimme, gimme! I’mma eat half already! Half the book is gone.
•Sweet Potato Casserole with pecans and marshmallows – shut up, this is a pie! I’ll eat 3/4ths by myself oh, and the pie too!
•Pecan pie – hisses and hovers, this whole thing is miiiiine!

🐟 The Seafood Profanity Scale
•Tilapia Fillet – White, bland, and very tame. Virtually no swearing.
•Turmeric Coconut Curry Rockfish – Still sweet, but there’s some color and a hint of spice. A few mild swears.
•Orange Roughy à l’Orange – More flavorful language. Pearls are clutched, brows are raised.
•Red Cooked Lobster – Red-faced and ears burning. Plenty of strong language.
•Squid Ink Carbonara – Heavy, messy, and full of unnecessary F-bombs. Sometimes hilarious though.
•Blackened Fish Tacos – The pleasantries are gone. Sailors are blushing.

Overall Book Ratings by Pizza Slices out of 8:

🍕 DNF
Couldn’t finish. Took one bite. Regret.
🍕🍕
Forced it. Not worth the calories.
🍕🍕🍕
It was fine. I ate it. I will not think about it again.
🍕🍕🍕🍕
Solid. Respectable. I’d share a slice.
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Now we’re talking. I’d order again.
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Delicious. Actively recommending.
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Obsessed. No leftovers.
🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕🍕
Gobble gobble. Italian chef’s kiss. I inhaled it.

Cover Court – Judging Books by Their Covers:

• Click or Flick: Opening Argument (Did the ad hook me?)
• Clock or Stalk: Cross Examination (Does the cover match the vibe?)
• Bliss or Miss: Final Ruling (Do I actually want it?)

And, like, any others that become relevant or needed as books show different flavors or whatever. Stay tuned!

For now, signing off,

SnS🌹💀📜🥤